When I look at things from today’s point of view, I see that everything from the beginning was pointing to the disaster waiting to happen. You were a manipulative, selfish a**hole and all the signs of your toxic behavior were right in front of me.
But, I refused to see them for years. I refused to listen to the people who loved me and who wanted the best for me. And most of all, I was blind to your behaviour towards me.
From the first day, you acted like you were something you never were. You presented yourself as the better man, as someone who will make all my dreams come true. You were telling me everything that I wanted to hear and with time, I fell for your lies. I thought you were everything I was searching for, I thought you were the part of the puzzle that was missing all along. Although I never believed in the concept of soulmates, you convinced me that our souls were actually searching for each other all along and that the two of us meeting was a matter of faith.
With time, I saw that you were becoming obsessed with me. But, I was foolish to believe that your jealousy was a sign of your love for me. I thought you were so in love with me that you were naturally terrified you’d lose me. And although deep down I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong, you’ve managed to convince me that I was too flirty or too noisy and that I had too many friends. I knew how much I loved you, but you’ve always asking for proof of my love. And for you, the only proof enough was when things were your way.
After a while, you’ve become so controlling that I became scared to have a different opinion. I thought your way was the only right way. All of my friends and family were good for nothing and you were the only one who wanted the best for me.
What I didn’t realize was that you were not just manipulating me, you were also abusing me mentally and emotionally. And even when I had rare moments of clarity, I still loved you. Nothing else besides your love mattered to me. And I knew that you would walk away from me the moment I stood up to you.
So, I’ve started living my life by your rules. You convinced me that you made me a better person and that no other man would ever love me the way you loved me. And although I tried to fight it, I started believing it with time. I thought you would never do anything that would hurt me, without knowing that you were hurting me all along.
All of this lasted until the physical abuse started. That is when I finally had enough. I thought you could never do anything that would make me stop loving you, but when you started physically abusing me, all of a sudden, everything was clear. For the first time ever, I saw you for who you really were—a toxic and a manipulative abuser.
And I had had enough.
When you hit me, I felt like someone had woken me up from a coma. I felt like I had been sleeping all those years and that some miracle had awakened me.
I realized that I had been living a nightmare all these years. I realized that I had been living a horror movie and that you were my monster.
And I walked away from you that instant. All of a sudden, I wasn’t afraid anymore. I wasn’t afraid of you doing something to me. I wasn’t afraid of your emotional blackmail. I wasn’t scared if you’d do something to yourself. And most of all, I wasn’t afraid of living my life without you.
Because I was liberated. I was finally free from your oppression. I was finally free from the cage I allowed you to put me in.
What I couldn’t understand is how I allowed you to do everything you did to me. How come I didn’t see your true colours sooner? How could I love someone who was destroying me for years? From this point of view, I can’t recognize myself from the time I was with you. I was simply enchanted with you and you took complete control over my personality.
And no, I don’t miss you. I stopped loving you long ago. Sometimes, I wish you had never come into my life.