Why now? Why did you remember you miss me now? When it’s all over. When I decided that that goodbye was the last one. Where were you before? Where were you when you should have been by my side? When I missed you so much I was unable to breathe? When I cried myself to sleep? When I was breaking into millions of little pieces and all I needed was your hug to save me?
You say you miss me. You say you love me. You say you didn’t know what you had when you had it, when I was still yours. You say you are sorry and you wish you could take it all back. You say a lot of things now when it’s too late to say them. And I know if I gave you one more chance you would just waste it.
You are being nostalgic, remembering the good old days. Reminding me of those perfect moments of happiness. Luring me back into the world of hope. The one where we might make it. The one which I secretly still dream of. A world in which we might still get our happily ever after. But I stopped believing in fairy tales a long time ago. I can’t forget the bad days. I can’t forget all that you put me through. I can’t because it still hurts.
When I look back now, I realize you caused me more heartache and pain than happiness and joy. It shouldn’t be like that. I know that everything isn’t supposed to be perfect but it shouldn’t be that hard either. You didn’t appreciate me when you had me. You took me for granted. You made a flaw out of my goodness. You used the love I had for you against me.
You would give me just enough to hold on to, but never enough that I could say with certainty you are mine. I missed you so much when we were together. You gave me only fractions of your time. You would forget about me for days. You would ignore my texts. All of a sudden, you would return with some lame excuse I could see right through. And I didn’t actually believe you. It was just that my desire to be with you surpassed everything else.
So, I allowed all the lies to continue. When I would have enough, I would confront you but you would spin the story in a way that I would be the one apologizing to you for something I hadn’t done. You played the victim of circumstances and on my ability to jump to conclusions. You would guilt trip me and it worked.
You were never there when I needed you. You only loved the happy and smiling me. But I am just human. I break under pressure and life is not always a lullaby. You should know that. You had some crappy phases while we were together and I was always there for you to lean on. I was always the one trying, the one bending over backward for you for us. Why couldn’t you do the same?
You acted like I was irrelevant; like I owed you something. Like I was something you could manipulate and control easily. You treated me like a doormat until you exhausted me completely. Until I couldn’t take this hot and cold game you were playing another second and until I couldn’t listen to your lies anymore.
You promised me the world but you never went beyond promises. You told me all these stories about how you need more time, how I have to go easy on you because you will change, how you will treat me better. You told me I have to be more understanding and patient and we will have it all. If I had stayed, I would have waited forever.
You were just good with your words, a good storyteller, a fairy tale maker who would get my hopes up high and actually give me nothing. That was your intention all along to feed me with lies and hope it will go on forever. That’s your intention now, too. You miss me now. You want me back, but the moment I would give in and go back, you would go back to your old ways. You wouldn’t appreciate me if you got me back.
And it’s too late now to make the wrong things right, to change like you always promised you would, to treat me better and love me without holding back. I moved on, or better said, I am in the process of moving on because even though I won’t go back to you, that doesn’t mean my feelings disappeared. They are still there but I know one day you will be nothing more than a distant memory.
You miss me now but I missed myself when I was with you. I missed my smile. I missed feeling safe and loved. I missed being treated like I deserve. I missed you—the you I knew once. So, understand when I say it’s too late to miss me now.