Night after night only one question echoed in my head: “Will my heart ever stop hurting?”
My chest felt so heavy from all the broken pieces shattered on the inside. I felt like there was no way out of this situation. I was trapped in my pain.
Morning after morning I used to tell myself: You can do this; you are strong enough to get through the day.
I would cover the dark circles under my eyes with concealer.
I would put on a fake smile and if anybody asked, I would loudly say I was fine, even though I was falling apart from the inside.
I didn’t want anybody to see how badly you hurt me.
Instead of letting you go, I used to hold on so tightly. I used to go back to our happy place. To the place where things work – the place that was now destroyed.
I used to go back in time to those moments of all-consuming happiness.
To ordinary moments full of hugs, kisses, and deep conversations. To a time where I didn’t know the real you yet.
The real you had nothing to do with the you I saw with my googly eyes full of love. I still can’t believe how blind and naive I was.
I allowed you to manipulate me and play with my heart like it’s bulletproof. I trusted you and you betrayed me.
I loved you and you threw that love straight into my face.
You took my feelings and all of my efforts for granted, then tossed them away like they were worthless.
You pushed me aside and made me feel like I was unlovable. I could feel my self-love leaving my system. I could hear my confidence hitting rock bottom.
Suddenly all the pain transformed into numbness. I couldn’t cry anymore. I must have run out of tears.
I couldn’t think about all the could-haves and should-haves. My mind was blank. My feelings exhausted.
I was down, completely broken, and I had no other choice but to build myself up from scratch.
I would force myself out of bed every morning. I’d dress up, show up where I was supposed to.
I buried myself in work and found comfort in friends.
One of those mornings. things started to feel a bit easier. I started building foundations for my new life. Slowly but surely.
Night after night I would still go to bed with you on my mind.
But one of those nights, instead of lamenting all that I lost, I saw all that I gained from losing you.
I was so naive and so in love that I couldn’t see how wrong you actually were for me.
I couldn’t see all the ways in which you were killing my self-esteem.
Now that my vision was clear again, all that was left to do was to turn all my pain into power and say thank you for breaking me.
Thank you for all those times you treated me badly.
It taught me how I should never be treated. I need someone who will lift me up instead of bring me down.
I need a man who won’t point out my flaws, but focus on my values.
I need the opposite of everything you used to give me because the opposite is love and you never loved me the right way.
Thank you for saving me from years of pain by your side.
You were never there for me. You were clueless about my problems and concerns. You didn’t care how your behavior would make me feel.
You were never involved in our relationship. I was the only one investing and making effort. Things would’ve gotten worse had we stayed together.
You were always right and I was always wrong. I was needy, even though all I needed was your love and attention.
I know now that’s not something I should’ve begged for.
I thank heavens that you walked away from me because I never knew how to leave on my own.
I need someone who values and respects me. Someone whose love comes effortlessly.
Someone who can’t wait to see me, text me, and make me feel cared for.
I need a person who knows how to love, give, and stay in a committed relationship. You never knew how to do that.
In the end, thank you for not loving me because it taught me how to love myself.
I love my scars – both the visible and invisible ones.
They tell the story of a strong woman who has been through hell and came back to tell the story.
I love every single tiny imperfection in my body – yes even my stretch marks, my weird nose, and my love handles.
I love them because they are what make me me. They give me that special flair everyone who feels comfortable in their own skin has.
I love the sound of my laughter and my viewpoint on life since you’ve been gone.
I love the woman I am and am becoming. I love myself and one day someone worthy of me will love me too.