For most of you out there, we’re currently in the middle of the most beautiful time of the year. Everyone is cheerful, you hear music and see shiny decorations wherever you go.
You buy and receive presents. You get some time off from work and school, and most importantly, you get the chance to spend some quality time with your loved ones.
Who could ask for more?
Well, sadly, this is not how all of us feel during the holiday season. In fact, for me, and I think many will agree, this is the most depressing period in the whole year, and I would rather just sleep through it all.
So please, just wake me up when the holiday season ends, so I can move on with my daily routines, habits, and everyday life.
Let me sleep through this depression, anxiety, and solitude, and give me the chance to stop noticing that everyone has it better than I do.
Don’t get me wrong—I’m not jealous or envious. And I’m certainly grateful for all the blessings I have in my life.
However, during this season, it appears that the things and the people I miss somehow swim up to the surface, without the intention of leaving.
It seems that all the emotions, including the ones we want to avoid such as melancholia and sadness, become more intense than during the rest of the year.
It seems that everything and everyone I no longer have suddenly start to hurt and bother me more. It appears that all of my heartaches and pain kick a little bit harder.
So, don’t expect me to come to your New Year’s party. Don’t expect me to get in the mood and put a wide, phony smile on my face because it’s the last thing on my mind right now.
Don’t ask me to spend the entire night smiling and chitchatting with random people when I would rather be alone in my bedroom, wrapped in a cozy blanket, watching TV, as it is just another, usual night of the week.
Don’t ask me to pretend to be happy when I’m actually at my lowest.
No, I won’t do it for your sake. I won’t go with the flow to please everyone around me or to fit the rest of the society.
I won’t do it because I appreciate my mental health more than what people might think of me; because I know what’s best for me, and I because I put self-care above everything else.
Don’t accuse me of being the Grinch who stole Christmas, and don’t judge me for not feeling the holiday spirit. Instead, I beg you to understand me.
I beg you to give me enough space so I can go back to being my old self.
I promise you that this won’t last long—it is just a phase, and as soon as January comes knocking on my door, everything will be normal.
Just please, wake me up when the holiday season is over.
Wake me up when I’m no longer expected to be happy all the time—when I’ll be allowed to have a bad day, when I can cry, and when it will be acceptable for me to be grumpy or not in a good mood.
Wake me up when this nostalgia which is tearing up my chest is long gone—when I stop feeling the absence of my loved ones so intensely, when memories stop haunting me, when I stop replaying my happy past back and forth in my head, and when I stop missing this much all those who are gone.
Wake me up when my depression and anxiety go back to their usual levels—when they let me function and when they stop consuming and overwhelming me to the point I can’t breathe.
Wake me up when I regain the ability to repress the feelings I don’t like and when I am strong enough to act as if they don’t exist again.
When I stop feeling the need to recapitulate this entire past year, just to figure out that I haven’t accomplished much and that I didn’t stick to almost any of my New Year’s resolutions—when I stop lying to myself that in 2020, I will be better and do everything differently.
When I stop staring at my phone, waiting for a phone call which I know will never come.
Wake me up when I stop feeling like a weirdo for not having my special someone—when this solitude stops being this painful and when I remember that I actually live an amazing life.
Wake me up when all of my past demons stop haunting me and go to sleep again!