I know I’m the last person you want to hear from now. I’m sure you don’t want to see my face ever again and it’s my fault that you’re a mess now. Regardless of this, you have to know I’m sorry. I need you to know I never meant to make things as ugly as they are, but I just didn’t know how to hold you in my life.

I know you just wanted to be loved. You just wanted me to give you what you were giving me—nothing more, nothing less. Little did you know I was unable to do that.

See, I thought you were the person that will teach me how to love. I thought it will be different with you and how this time I won’t mess things up. I allowed myself to forget I suck at relationships and intimacy. I thought you’ll fix me. Little did I know, I’ll do to you what was once done to me.

I know you trusted me. I know you trusted me to hold your secrets for the rest of my life. I know you trusted me with your heart and that you never thought I could just throw it away so easily. I know you trusted me with your future and that you pictured your future as our future. I know you did and that you feel betrayed now. And I know it hurts. And I’m sorry.

I know it’s bad. No matter what I say, it won’t make you feel less broken or less betrayed. I know my words don’t mean anything to you and that I’m the last person you’ll ever allow to walk back into your life. Do you know how I know all of this? Because I’ve been in your shoes before.

Things are never as they seem. I know you look at me as the most cold-hearted person in this world, but I’m not. I know you think I did this on purpose and this was my plan to begin with, but you are wrong.

I never wanted to use you. I never meant to break your heart, break your trust or leave without a word. But I did. I did it because that’s all I know. I did it because you didn’t feel like home. And it’s not you—it’s me. Nobody feels like home to me.

I feel like an orphan in this huge world, like a kid that everybody likes but nobody loves. I feel like people liked me, but always with reserve. I feel like they trusted me but never to the fullest. Until I met you.

You were the one to love me wholeheartedly. You were the one to trust me to the last breath. And I just didn’t know what to do when I got what I craved for my whole life. When I finally got it, I let it slip away.

I guess I just needed somebody to tell me that it’s not my fault I am a mess. People in my life made me this way. Everything I’ve been through in life made me feel like a small leaf that is being played by the wind and there isn’t a thing I could do about it.

I am my life, but I am not in charge of my life. I am a victim of all the circumstances because I let things in life get to me. And then I made you the victim as well because I let you in. You never signed up for any of this, but you got it anyway. You got the full package, unfortunately.

I guess I was to you one of those presents you get perfectly wrapped up but when you open it, it’s just a box full of shit. For what it is worth, I regret breaking you. But one thing I don’t regret is knowing you. You were the only one that actually made an effort and tried to get to know me. You were the one that absolutely loved that box of shit.

Thanks to you, I realized nobody can save me and nobody can fix me. No matter how hard people try, I’ll keep leaving broken people behind, and I’ll always be one foot on the run from commitment. You and what I did to you was my life lesson.

So…

I’m done asking people to fix me. I’ve decided I’m going to fix myself. I’m going to figure out this mess in my head and once I’m done, I’m coming back for you. I’m going to pay my debt and I’m going to fix each inch of your soul I broke. I know I can’t undo what I did, but I sure as hell know I can fix it. I’ll come back because I care for you and whether you believed it or not, whether you wanted to hear it or not, I never meant to hurt you.

I’m going to pay my debt and I’m going to fix each inch of your soul I broke. I know I can’t undo what I did, but I sure as hell know I can fix it. I’ll come back because I care for you and whether you believed it or not, whether you wanted to hear it or not, I never meant to hurt you.

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