If we as girls do not receive from our elders a love free of conditioning, as adults it is difficult for us to recognize our true worth.
When she came to consult, Elisa felt responsible for the welfare and happiness of everyone . Not only of his family and close friends, but also of all the people he met in his daily life, both at work, on the street or in social networks.
Elisa always greeted the neighbors, went to the supermarket with change, gave way in traffic, filtered the elderly in the supermarket, helped, sometimes for hours, her Facebook friends to solve their problems, did all the tasks of the home, took the child to school, took care of cooking for their parents, etc.
Elisa thought that she could and should help everyone to be happy , that she was responsible for the happiness of others. However, for her part, as she herself told me, far from being happy, in fact, she felt sad, unhappy and even physically exhausted (a severe back pain accompanied her perpetually). Elisa had reached a point where she had understood how the people around her, including her partner and her son, abused her goodwill , her willingness to help them, but she did not know how to set limits so as not to be abused by them.
In reality, these limits of self-protection and defense of the self and its own needs, Elisa had never known how to create and mark them. When we retreated in her story, we saw how since she was born, in her relationship with both her mother and her father, love had always been conditioned to the availability and submission of the girl to the desire of her elders. On a daily basis, the girl listened to phrases such as “so that Mama is happy, you have to take care of her a lot and help her with all the tasks”, “be a good girl and give dad the television control”, “if you do not pay attention to her, Dad will stop loving you “
On the other hand, if the girl got angry or showed her rejection, for example to the school duties, also the emotional manipulation of the parents was felt: “mom is very sad, is not happy, until you do your homework will love you … “,” you have given dad a dislike that has taken years of life “.
As we saw in his therapeutic work, in the Love that Elisa received from her parents, there was always a demand, manipulation or punishment . The girl, continually had to fulfill the wishes of the parents, their conditions, to receive love, care and protection.
In this way, Elisa ended up assimilating the idea that to be loved, she had to help othersto be happy regardless of their own desires, needs or happiness. “Ramón” told me in one of the sessions, “I notice an immense weight on my back, I feel like I’m carrying the weight of the world”.
Elisa, after a deep therapeutic work, managed to change her vision of love and relationships with other people. Finally, she learned to love herself and to establish healthy limits that protected her from the abuse of others. After a huge effort, he managed to change the course of his life, separated from an abusive partner and was able to establish a relationship of mutual respect with his son.