You saw a photo of them on social media, you saw their favorite snack being advertised on TV, or a long-forgotten memory suddenly came flooding back.
And you think to yourself: Maybe reconnecting with an ex isn’t such a bad idea after all.
Maybe you can still make it work somehow, or if only you hadn’t done or said certain things, everything would be different now. Or would it?
You enter the world of too many what-ifs, regrets, and hope. You start to think that there is still a chance of rekindling that old flame.
But, you’re not quite sure whether it is a good idea or not, and that’s why you’re here today.
And it’s good that you are, because reconnecting with an ex for the wrong reason is a sure recipe for disaster and more pain!
There’s only one way to find out if getting back with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is the right thing to do and that is by checking if any or all of the reasons below apply to you:
1. You’re nostalgic and scared of turning a new page
Ending a romantic relationship is a painful and shitty thing regardless of the reason behind it or circumstances.
And what makes it even more confusing is the damn nostalgia that knocks at your door when you least expect it.
It’s when you start thinking about all the happy moments that you shared together, recollecting the feeling of excitement when you were about to meet up with them for the first time, and so on.
You remember feeling like you were in a high school romance and you were convinced that it would last forever.
But, unfortunately, after some time you realized that nothing does and being nostalgic about it is a part of the grieving process.
Another aspect is fear. You’re scared of turning a new page, you’re scared of entering a new relationship because you don’t want to risk experiencing the pain of a broken heart ever again.
And that is when you start thinking: Only one phone call would mean the world to me. Only one text message can boost my hope. But is it the smart thing to do?
Should you reconnect with an ex because you’re nostalgic about past times and scared of turning a new page?
If you want your ex back because you’re nostalgic about your time together and you fear the unknown, I’m sorry to tell you, but you shouldn’t do it.
Getting back with your ex for these reasons is the last thing you’d want to do. Why?
Because nostalgia and fear are an inevitable part of the grieving process, which has nothing to do with genuinely missing them and wanting them back for the right reasons.
The only thing you should focus on here is time. Time will heal you and erase all the traces of nostalgic moments and fear of the future.
2. Your perception of your past relationship has changed
When we’re about to break up with someone, we see things clearly as they are.
We know exactly why we are going our separate ways and how painful it is to do so, but necessary for both partners’ well-being.
After some time, this perception of seeing things as they are might alter.
It might change in a way that you only see the positive things about your past relationship and neglect all the negative ones (those that caused you to break up in the first place).
You start feeling confused about why your relationship ended and you get convinced that reconnecting with an ex might be the right thing to do. But, is it, truly?
Should you reconnect with an ex because your perception of the past relationship has changed?
As you may assume, again the answer is no. When you no longer see things as they are or refuse to acknowledge why you broke up in the first place, you enter the zone called “Ignorance.”
You deliberately or unwittingly start ignoring all the red flags that led to the breakup.
It’s true that there will always be some positive things in every relationship, but you should never solely focus on only them.
You should always look at the bigger picture and remember both the good and bad sides of your relationship. That’s the only way to see things clearly instead of live in an illusion.
3. You want to know if they’re in pain and/or if they miss you
Since you broke up, you’ve been feeling completely devastated and the pain is real.
You spend the majority of your time watching The Notebook, secretly hoping to experience such vintage kind of love some time in the future.
Tons of ice cream, funny memes, tissues in case you get too sentimental, socializing hours cut to the minimum…
It’s evident to both you and all the people around you that you’re in pain (which is also a part of the grieving process).
And that’s when it strikes you: What if my ex is not hurting like I am? What if they’re sipping cocktails, living life to the fullest, and not giving a damn about our past relationship?
Asking your mutual friends or their family members about it is not a solution, and getting in touch with them yourself is out of question. Or is it?
Should you reconnect with an ex because you want to know if they’re in pain and/or if they miss you?
Reconnecting with an ex for the sole purpose of knowing whether they’re afflicted by the same amount of pain as you or miss you is a shitty thing to do (if you don’t miss them yourself)!
You will gain absolutely nothing from the fact that they are still in pain and miss you if you’re not on the same page.
Some people need more time to go through a breakup process and others do it somewhat quicker. Again, time is your best friend in this situation.
4. You’re afraid of being “‘forever alone”
All of your friends and close people are in a relationship or married (okay, not all of them, but most of them) and you’re freshly broken.
The dating pool situation isn’t getting any better and there are more and more narcissistic individuals, no-f_-k-givers, and commitment-phobes.
If you’re a woman, you become convinced that the chances of meeting someone with a personality of Ed Sheeran and Ryan Gosling is one in a million.
If you’re a man, you’re convinced that meeting a cute girl next door stands the same chances.
And then you start thinking to yourself: I’ll be forever alone. I’ll never meet anyone again who I’ll have the slightest interest in, because the world is a shitty place.
In such a situation, reconnecting with an ex seems like the only logical solution. Or maybe not?
Should you reconnect with an ex because you’re afraid of being forever alone?
Nope! You probably realize that they’re nothing more than just an old friend to you, but still, you want them back because you’re scared of being forever alone.
This is not a valid reason for reconnecting with someone and will never be.
The only logical thing to do in this situation is to overcome the fear by hanging out with your friends, meeting new people, and enjoying every moment.
And, trust me, when you least expect it, you’ll meet the right one for you!
5. You miss having them around you
When you wake up in the morning, the first thing that comes to your mind is sending them a message, telling them how lazy you’re feeling today and how much you hate the world you live in.
Or that you’re feeling inspired and grateful for new adventures (if you’re feeling optimistic).
When you need help with something, they’re the first person that comes to mind. When something bad happens to you, they’re the first person you want to cry with and seek advice from.
But you know you can’t do it because you broke up with them. They’re your ex and there’s no point in keeping them updated on your every thought and event. But, still…
Should you reconnect with an ex because you miss having them around you?
It’s important to understand that this is not a matter of real love, but a habit of having someone around you. They were your best friend, lover, a partner in crime, and you miss all that.
You texted them frequently (thousands of times a day) and now when they’ve gone from your favorite person to radio silence.
So, of course, you’ll miss having them around you! Every normal person would. But, still, this is not a valid reason for reconnecting with an ex.
When is reconnecting with an ex a reasonable thing to do?
Reconnecting with an ex is a reasonable thing to do in only one case and that is: When you truly, genuinely still love and miss them!
So, it’s time to ask yourself: How do you feel about the idea of reconnecting with them?
Is the feeling of missing them so intensely that it prevents you from functioning properly during your daily tasks?
Do you feel it in your gut that reconnecting with your ex is the right thing to do?
And the most important one: How would you feel if they rejected you?
It’s normal that you’d feel disappointed, but would you feel mad at them, like really mad? If yes, then you’re not truly and genuinely in love with them.
When we really love someone, their happiness becomes a reflection of our own. When we know that they’re happy, we’re happy for them.
You know you genuinely love someone when their happiness and well-being are more important than your own.
When you’re willingly and wholeheartedly ready to let them go because they’ve found their happiness in another place without you.
If that’s not the case, then moving on is the only reasonable thing to do.
How to reconnect with an ex?
If you concluded that you genuinely still love and miss them and you’re totally ready to reconnect with your ex, you’re probably wondering how to do it (so that you don’t come off as desperate or pushy).
Texting them for the first time after the No contact rule is like jumping into unknown waters. You have no idea what the final outcome will be.
Calling them is perhaps even worse because you have no chance of thinking about your reply in advance.
Meeting them in person is also a risky endeavor – then you’d have to pay attention to your body language as well (like the act of speaking isn’t enough).
Whichever option you choose, it is a risky one, but if you do it right, you have great chances of receiving a positive reply, and establishing a meaningful conversation virtually or in person.
So, how do you go about reconnecting with an ex?
You do it by following your heart. You don’t think too much about what you will say, as long as the words come from the depths of your heart.
Still, pay attention not to overdo it. You don’t want to shower them with too much affection all of a sudden or with too much explaining and as a result, scare them away.
Remember: Baby steps are your best friend!
Simply ask them how they’re doing and let the conversation unravel at its natural pace. Don’t think too much, don’t say too much.
Just say exactly what’s in your heart and if you’re meant to be, they’ll surely understand the language of your love for them and act accordingly.