Do you feel that?
Do you feel that you can do me no more harm with your actions? Do you feel that your words don’t hurt me anymore? Whatever you do or say can’t bring me down anymore.
And you know why? Because I decided it was enough. It was enough that you belittle me or make me feel unwanted. It is enough to put up with your silent treatment because you don’t like things that I did. It is enough that I take care of your needs only and totally forgot mine. I don’t want to put you first like I did so far. It is time to put myself first because I’ve realized that you are not worthy of that. I gave you all and you betrayed my trust. You took everything that was good from me.
You took my sanity, my good will, my happiness and my spirit. You threw all that on the floor and you crushed it without mercy. You probably wanted to see me down so you could feel like the superior one. And that is what you wanted all these years, right? For someone who loves you to think that you are almighty and that you are the one who should be respected. You thought that only you have feelings and emotions and that I was just a side character in our story. Well, you know what? I am not. You couldn’t understand that love is a two-way street. Oh wait, I am not sure if you really ever loved me, so we won’t talk about love anymore. What we had was just a partnership where you would get all that you wanted while I was the one being satisfied with the crumbs from your table. And the worst thing was that you thought that it was the right way.
With you I only experienced bad things.
With you, I was cheated, beaten to emotional death, belittled and gaslighted so many times. With you, I felt like I was the ugliest woman in the room while in fact I was the most beautiful one. With you, I was ashamed of things that I said in front of our friends because every time I would say something, you would mock me and said that I am just saying crap. With you, I just wanted to feel worthy but you never gave me credit for anything I did. And what I feel sorry the most about is that with you, I didn’t experience that kind of love people write books about.
Instead, I got an almost love with an almost lover, who would come only when it was convenient for him. And after all that I went through with you, I am just mad at myself for not leaving you sooner. If I just had had the courage to leave you, it would have been less painful. But, I guess that was my destiny.
It is better to walk away late than never walk away. That is the lesson that I learned and nobody can take that away from me.
So, before you open a bottle of champagne and start celebrating because I am gone, let me tell you something: “No matter how hard you try, you will never break me!” Even if you tried to do that, I am still here. I am standing on my feet, proud for leaving you and starting a new chapter of my life. I am here to look proudly in your eyes and to show you that there is still a spark inside them. And that spark is not easy to shut down. You forgot what kind of a woman I was before you. You forgot that once, I was capable of doing hard things, that I always managed to achieve my goals and that I always had enough love and good will in my heart to look ahead. Sorry to burst your bubble, but you couldn’t break me.
You forgot that the thing that always kept me moving was my pride. And once I realized you disrespected me, something big changed inside of me. My pride couldn’t let you go away with it. So, I decided to move on. I decided to put a smile on my face every time I saw you even if I was falling apart inside. I decided to show you that I don’t need you to complete me because I am already whole.
And most of all, I don’t need your so-called love. Somewhere along the road, I realized that I only need the love that has been inside me all along. And I must admit that I am talking about big amounts of love. Love so deep an ocean would be jealous of it. So, when the right time comes, I will give all that love to someone who deserves me, with all my imperfections, because they make me so perfect. When the right one comes, I will finally get everything that you never gave me.
And in the middle of the night, when the whole world falls asleep, I will look at that only star in the sky, hoping that you watch it too and I will just say: “Thank you for trying to break me, because if you hadn’t tried, I would never have realized how strong I was!”