It’s not the distance between us that hurts, it’s knowing that there is nothing I can do about it. It’s knowing that your love will never be mine, because it’s already someone else’s. It’s knowing that I have no control over my heart; my stupid, silly heart.
I knew you were with her all along. I knew you were not going to leave her, so I never said anything. All those late-night meetings, all those looks and stares, I ignored them. I really did. But you had your way of crawling up under my skin. I fell in love, never wanting it. I fell for you, but hating you at the same time.
I hated your perfect smile and those blue eyes of yours. I hated those wrinkles that showed up whenever you smiled. I hated how happy you were every time you saw me and how easily you made me laugh. I hated how addicted I was, how bleak my days were without you. How empty I felt when you left with her.
I really tried to ignore you, forcing myself to date, only to compare them to you. None of them were smart like you, none of them could make me laugh like you did. None of them understood my sense of humor. I tried to rock that alpha woman single life. It works, you know? Everything I went through made you laugh-how badly I drank, how hungover I felt. It was worth it if only to see you smile. I was like a baby sister to you, so I guess that made me sister-zoned. You don’t read about that one much, right?
You were my soulmate, but you had already found yours. And the thing that broke my heart over and over again was that I really loved your wife, too. You could see from miles away that you were perfect for each other. Your souls were in sync, the way ours never were. I read somewhere that the person you want the most is the person you’re best without. But wanting you still hurts like hell.
I’m sorry for leaving without a word. There was no way I could keep my sanity with you around me. And you were bound to find out, sooner or later. I was never really good at hiding my emotions. To spare us from awkward conversations and silences, I had to leave. To keep you in my life as a friend, I had to. But I still love you. Getting over your soulmate is something that takes time. Probably forever. But I realized that not all of us are destined for amazing, soul-fulfilling love. Not all of us are meant to end up with our soulmate. Maybe not in this life, but in another. But what will remain unchanged forever is the fact that you have my love. Whether you need to tell me about your day at 3am, or whether you need a drinking buddy, I will be there. I may not have your love, but I still get to keep your friendship. Or should I say: sistership.