I saw it all in the way you were talking to me, the way you were looking at me, the way you were hugging me. I saw it coming. The heartbreaking act of a break-up.
Why did it have to be that way? You standing above me, looking down on your already ex-girlfriend crying and begging you to say that you were joking. But with the look on your face, I was pretty sure that you weren’t joking. You were dead serious when you told me that you didn’t love me anymore. You wanted me to let go of everything and move on, just like you would do.
Did you ever think about how I was feeling at that time? The way you made letting go seem like it was the easiest thing in the world, when in fact I felt my heart dying in my chest.
No, I’m not exaggerating. It was the worst feeling in the world, when you’re left by the one person that you thought would be there for you for your whole life.
We did everything together, we even had the same group of friends. I was so used to being around you, how did you expect me to change my life completely after you left me? It’s not impossible, you were always telling me how much of a strong woman I am, so I can handle it. Do I have any other choice?
So let me tell what ‘letting you go’ looks like:
Sometimes, I forget to breathe. It’s not a joke. I really do. When I’m crying and sobbing, curled up in my bed between a ridiculous amount of pillows, I start choking. I simply get so consumed with my tears that breathing becomes really hard. The moment I start to feel like I’m going to be OK and that I’m done with the crying for now, I get a flashback so hard that it breaks me apart and makes me choke on my tears even more.
It feels like my heart has been ripped out. I guess you do remember all those times I told you that my heart belonged to you. No one else but you! See, with you leaving me, also my heart left me. It was ripped out of my chest, still beating while trying to catch you. It failed. My poor little heart.
I don’t want anyone else. I want you! Can’t you see that? I’m not going to be desperate and beg you to take me back, I’m too proud for that. But if you were ever going to come back, I would want to tell you that there is no one who would be able to take your place. I’d love to say that it’s only for a certain period of time, but I simply can’t imagine myself in anyone else’s arms but yours. How devastating is that?
I imagine talking to you. I do it all day, every day. I think about something I’ve been going through and how I would like you to be there for me so I could talk about it with you. You might think I’m crazy, but I really do imagine that you’re sitting next to me, carefully listening to my words, giving me advice and hugging me.
No one has the right to tell me that letting go can be easy if you try talking about it with someone or if you are really willing to let go. It’s all just bullshit! I don’t want to hear it anymore! My head is full of advice from people and magazines telling me to move on and how to do it. They keep telling me that it’s the will that succeeds, I want to forget you and move on, BUT I CAN’T! It’s the hardest thing in this world.
I’m really sorry for writing this to you, as you’re probably extremely happy right now, somewhere far away from me. Maybe you’re not even thinking about me anymore. But I’m thinking about you. A lot. I know this won’t change anything but my heart is still in your hands. Please take good care of it. It will always be yours.