The New Year is an opportunity to start things clean and fresh. A time for New Year’s resolutions and new promises.
But this year, I won’t be making any special resolutions. And I won’t be making any promises to others, only to myself.
This year, I promise to finally let you go. To leave you in the past, where you belong, and to turn over a new leaf of my life.
In 2020, I promise that I’ll stop missing you and that I’ll learn how to live without you. That you’ll stop being the first thing that goes through my mind when I wake up and the last image I see when I am trying to go to sleep.
I promise that I’ll stop looking at our old photos and that I’ll stop replaying the songs that remind me of you. I promise myself that I won’t be rereading your old texts, wishing for those good times to come back. That I’ll block your number, unfollow all of your social media accounts, delete all of our pictures and throw away all of your stuff.
In 2020, I’ll stop waiting for you to come crawling back and I’ll finally understand that I am better off without you. I’ll stop putting my life on hold, while you are somewhere out there, living yours, as if I never existed.
I’ll stop hoping that it’s you calling me every time I hear my phone ring and I’ll stop expecting you to show up at my doorstep, telling me that you’ve realized your mistake and that you can’t live without me. Telling me that you’ve finally seen what you lost and that I am the only one you could ever love.
I promise to stop waiting for you to come to your senses and to get your shit together and I’ll accept that you’ll always remain the same insensitive jerk you’ve always been. I promise to stop waiting for you to take responsibility for your actions and for you to give me the closure I desperately seek. For you to give me the apology I never got and for you to reassure me that I do matter.
Next year, there won’t be any more of those horrible, sleepless nights in which I think about all the things that went on and about everything that could have been of us. There won’t be anymore crying over the things we didn’t accomplish and any more wondering why you left me just like that.
This year, I promise to find the strength for forgiveness. I promise to forgive you for all the pain you caused me, even though you never asked me to. I promise to get rid of all the grudges and resentment and to set myself free from you.
But most of all, in 2020, I will forgive myself for loving you. For trusting that you’d stay by my side until the end of time, for making excuses for your shitty behavior just so I could keep on loving you and for justifying your every move.
I will forgive myself for being a fool who thought you could change and for wasting so much time on someone who never deserved me. For giving you so many second chances and for hoping that eventually, you’d get on the right track.
In 2020, I am letting you go. I am letting go of all of our memories and of all of your potential. I am letting go of my hopes that I could ever fix or save you and I am finally accepting the harsh truth that we were never meant to be.
This year, I promise I will give up on you and move on with my life. This year, I am saying my final goodbye to you and I am erasing you from my heart and mind.
In 2020, I will be strong enough to save myself from loving you. I am taking off my rose-tinted glasses and I am seeing you for who you’ve always been and myself as the person I was before you entered my life and before you shattered my heart.
That is why I promise to love myself more than I ever loved you. To appreciate and respect myself enough to never let you in again and to stop holding on to you.
In 2020, I promise to find the courage to heal my broken heart and to save myself.