Can you see how much I care from my actions? I know you can. I make it so obvious. I am always there for you. I always do my best. I always go the extra mile. I am your person.
I am always the one who cheers you up on your bad days. I am the one who believes in you and pushes you to do more. I am the one who sends a cute text to make you laugh at work. I am the one who understands, the one who stays, the one who cares, the one who puts you first no matter what.
Can you say the same? Can you say that your love is so true and so visible in everything you do that saying, “I love you,” feels unnecessary?
Let me answer that for you… No, you can’t say that. You don’t love me the right way. You don’t love me the way I deserve. And still, you are not letting me go.
Every time I even think of going, you just pull me closer. You become all I need in an instant. You say all the things you should have said a long time ago. You do all the things I begged you to do and never did.
For a brief while there, everything is like I dreamed our relationship should be. But that moment flies by so fast and once again we are back to where we started.
Once again you stop noticing me.
In those moments, I feel like somebody has woken me up from a warm, cuddly dream into the coldness of a nightmare. I literally have to ask you to hug me, to kiss me, to stay in bed for a little while longer.
I have to ask you to talk to me. To tell me how your day went. Then I just start blabbing about mine because it would never occur to you to ask. Once again I am all alone in this relationship and this loneliness is killing me.
Once again you don’t text back.
Once again I am staring at a blank screen, hoping I will get a text goodnight but it never arrives so I cry myself to sleep. Minutes seem like days and hours like months when I am waiting to hear back from you.
And even if you don’t reply, I make all sorts of excuses for why you couldn’t. I lie to myself that I matter to you when you are clearly showing me that you don’t.
Once again you don’t have time for me.
Unless it suits you, unless it’s convenient to drop by and warm my bed. All our plans get canceled at the last minute. All your promises disappear into thin air.
You often have something to do and someone more important to see and I always come last. You have no idea how insignificant and how small I feel in those moments.
My mind wanders off to all sorts of scenarios, even the ones that are hardest to accept. So, I put my hands together and pray that you are not with some other woman. I pray that you are not making a fool out of me. I pray because I don’t know the truth.
With you, I never know anything.
Once again you make me cry.
And every time I feel the tears rolling down my face, I promise myself it’s the last time. That I won’t put up with this anymore. And every time I break that promise. Every time I let myself down.
Every time I choose the love I have for you over the love I should have for myself. But somewhere down the line, self-love became less important. Somewhere in this chaotic story with you, I lost myself.
I blame you for not letting me go but I carry part of the blame too, as I am holding just as tightly.
I care so much that the thought of us ending things is tearing me apart. That’s why I keep forgiving the unforgivable. That’s why I keep inviting you into my life. That’s why I stay when I know I should have walked away a long time ago.
But I think this time, I have to ask you to step aside so I would get the chance to meet someone who will love me right when you clearly can’t.