I swore I would never be one of those pathetic girls who cried over a guy. I swore to myself that I would never allow myself to fall so hard for someone to the point of forgetting myself. I promised I wouldn’t ever give someone a second chance because I believed that if someone let you down once, he was more than capable of doing it again.
And here I am…
I’m a girl who gave you too many second chances. I am a girl who fell for you so hard that she forgot about herself, I only saw you and nothing more than you. I turned out to be one of those girls I swore I’d never be, you know, those who give themselves to someone and then end up getting broken by that same person.
When I look at myself in the mirror, it’s like I don’t recognize myself. This person staring back at me looks like me. But I don’t recognize her. I don’t recognize the lines around her eyes, I don’t recognize the look in her eyes and it seems like she’s missing something, perhaps a smile? I used to smile a lot. I don’t anymore.
I don’t recognize this girl because she gave you everything. God, she didn’t only give you everything, she gave you more than twice what you deserved. This girl staring at me in the mirror bent over backwards for you. But the truth is, she shouldn’t have.
You didn’t deserve any of it. You didn’t deserve my love, my trust or my efforts. You didn’t deserve them because you never cared to give anything to me in return. But you got it all anyways.
You know how they say that everything has an expiration date? Well, so does my blindness. So does this love that was only one-sided.
There are no more chances for you. You’ve had a fair amount of those and you threw them all away. You kept letting me down and I kept giving you the tools to do it all over again. I should’ve believed my instincts and walked away the first time you played me, but instead of listening to my head, I listened to my heart.
I’m done being your last resort. I’m done having you come to me when you have nowhere else to go, when nobody else is willing to offer you their shoulder to cry on. I’m done allowing you to use me. I’m done always being there for you even though I knew you weren’t willing to be there for me when I needed you.
I will no longer neglect myself just so you’d be happy. Instead of taking care of myself, I took it as my life’s mission to take care of you. Instead on focusing on making myself happy, I focused on making you happy. With my constant efforts to make your life better, I forgot about my life.
You don’t get to mess with my life anymore. Whenever I chose to move on, whenever I made a decision that it was over, you’d swoop in and make me drop everything I was doing. You came with all those stupid promises, about how this time things were different and how you needed me. And, naive as I was, I would end up leaving everything for you.
I’m no longer hoping that things will change. I have no more expectations of you. Because I’m finally ready to see you for who you are, not for who I’d like you to be. You’re not half the man I thought you were. And that’s okay. You can continue being just half of a man to someone else now. Because I’m done settling for less.
I started losing myself to you. And honestly, I’d love to lose myself to love and to a man who deserves me. It’s just that there is no love in you for me and you are not a man who deserves me. It just took me a while to open my eyes and see you’re not good for me.
The truth is I do deserve more. I deserve more than you gave me or than you’ll ever be ready to give to any other girl in your life. I deserve someone who won’t ever stop trying. I deserve someone who’ll love me for who I am and I deserve someone who won’t leave me alone in the battles of our relationship. I deserve someone who won’t make me cry myself to sleep, someone who’ll worry about letting me down and someone who sees me as worthy.
Maybe you won’t notice me gone. But you will notice you’re missing something. You’ll miss having someone to talk to, you’ll miss someone who never gave up on you, someone who believed in you, someone whom you could always count on. Someone who made you feel good even when you weren’t good. But I promise I won’t be there for you anymore.
You know how they say the hardest battles are those between what our heart wants and what our mind knows we deserve? I’ve chosen my side in this war. I promise I won’t be there for you anymore. And although it still hurts like hell, this is one promise I actually have every intention of keeping.