My brain is working overtime these days. I can’t even sleep right from all the commotion up there. In my mind, I replay our every moment and I analyze every conversation we ever had. Useless, I know. But I just can’t block my thoughts. Even though most of the time I would really want to.
All my thoughts revolve around the same question: ‘Why wasn’t I enough?’No matter how many times I replay it in my mind, I am still unable to grasp where exactly I went wrong because I was sure I’d done everything right.
It seemed so simple and easy. All the ingredients for a successful relationship were there. Everything was supposed to go right if there was love. If you gave all you got. If you were just being yourself. If you were brave. If you trusted the person you were with. If you were ready to compromise. If you lived in the moment and if you gave your best it would work out in the end.
Somehow, it never did. And I hate that. I hate that no matter what I did, it just wasn’t good enough.
I tried to stay true to myself and I accepted you for who you really were. And let’s face it, you were not the easiest person to be with but I loved you all the same. You had moments when you would give me all you had and other ones where you would pull away so hard that I was unable to reach you. Still, my feelings and my attitude toward you never changed.
One happy moment with you would make up for all the bad ones. It made me stronger. It made me try harder. It made me want more and more of those moments. So, I would raise my game. I would always try to be the best version of myself.
I had some bad days too. My emotions would run wild. I would get upset, angry, scared and doubtful; all in all I was sad. That was all normal in my eyes. It had to be like that. That’s life, things happen and you have to process them and deal with them the best you can.
You had bad days too. You had horrible days and I considered them to be something inevitable, something that I had to help you go through.
I always had your back. When all odds were against you, when the storms came raging into your life, I stood there as firmly as in all those happy sunshine days. I was there to support you and believe in you even though you were almost never there for me.
I wasn’t keeping track of who gave more to who. I gave the best of me. I gave all of me, selflessly, not expecting anything back. I was happy when I was making you happy. Your smile was all I wanted in return for my efforts.
Maybe I should’ve kept track of the things that you were giving back to me. Maybe that’s where I got it all wrong. I was concentrating on you, on your feelings, on making you happy, that I completely neglected myself. I lost myself in loving you.
I really believe that’s the only thing I got wrong. Not even you could find a good enough reason to let me go when all hell broke loose and you decided to end it between us. I hate that you left like that. With no explanation good enough to allow me to sleep calmly at night.
I hate that you gave up on us so easily. I hate that you made me feel like I wasted my time on you. Like I wasted my time on a love that was one-sided, because I understand now that it was all me. All the love we had in our relationship came from me and I couldn’t love for both of us.
I hate that you made me feel worthless. I hate this feeling of hate inside of me. I hate that you are still my main thought throughout the day, because it doesn’t let me breathe properly. I am hoping it will pass soon.
It hurts so much to share everything with someone and only get pain in return. But who would’ve thought that pain helps you learn. And through this pain, I am slowly realizing that no matter what I did, wrong or right, it would never have been enough. Because doing all the right things doesn’t mean anything if the person they are meant for is wrong.