From the very beginning of our relationship, you were afraid that you would hurt me. In fact, this was one of the first things you ever said to me. A wiser heart would have perceived this as a warning and would have fled. A smarter heart would have known that this meant that over time you would do exactly what you were most afraid of.
A wiser heart would have known that you would hurt me.
But my heart has never been so smart. It is dreamy and believes in fairy tales. The heart that beats in me is considerate, hopeful and wild. It’s too impulsive to think about certain things first. There is so much desire to give everything to you. But it’s not his fault, because this is my heart. All it could do was beat faster every time you touched me.
I know that you have worked very hard. And I do not doubt that you loved me. You loved me in your own way and that love was always there, but it was never enough. You were never the man I could take home on holidays and introduce to my parents.
At best you loved me 50% or maybe 60%, but I was the one who always gave 150%. Maybe I kept thinking that I could replace what you could not give me. Maybe I thought I could love you more and thus our relationship would work.
I did not need you to reciprocate that amount of love, but I just needed a man who would stay by my side. I would accept you, no matter how much I would get you.
Does the addiction arise in this way? I was ready to find an excuse for every situation. I was ready to swallow my pride, if that meant you spent the night in my bed. How could I ever explain that? Only the thought of giving you up made me sick and made me destroy everything around me. I could not stand a world in which I would have to exist by my side without you.
One week after we finished our relationship, you wrote me a message saying that you really love me.
I was not able to hear that at the time. I was ready to take every opportunity for our relationship to work. I wanted you and our relationship so much. I did not want to see anything else. I deserve someone who wants me fully. And you deserve to be with someone you really want. But I could not understand that. At least not at the time.
I was so mad at you for this message. I felt so terrible and cried so many nights. I woke up so often and was angry because you were not next to me. I just could not accept the idea that you could love me, but it still was not enough.
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We could never have worked as a couple. Because love is about taking and giving.
I really believe that you loved me. It would be a lie to say that I do not sometimes imagine what would have happened if you had loved me as well. But the brutal truth is that you did not have the same strong feelings for me as I did for you. But I forgive you that.
I forgive you for not loving me the way I loved you. You did your best, dear, but we were just not meant to be together. And I realize that only the relationship has a future in which both partners feel the same for each other.