Its goal is not so much the achievement of the “oblivion” of the completed relationship, as the clarification of the mechanics of the process of the origin of the relationship and the subsequent pain during separation. Understand why this generally fails – easy to part. Realizing the mechanics of how we “got involved” and “got involved”, it becomes clear to us how to reverse this process.
When two people begin to live with each other and live in each other, an energetic third space begins to form between them, which was not before their connection – this is the “relationship body”. The body of relations , after it has been formed, begins to exist by itself, although it is very dependent on the actions and thoughts of the “parents” who created it.
Imagine this – Egregor. Yes, it is an egregore formed by two. The bush that you planted and grow, watering your thoughts and actions. We ourselves planted this “bush”, “and we are responsible for what gave birth …” and now, it demands attention from you and wants to live by itself. Egregor relationship wants to live. This is the body of relationships .
By hen you parted Egregore “body relations ” does not cease to exist at the moment. We know that the one who leaves and ends the relationship – he carries one third of the pain from the break, and the one who is left is two thirds. The one who was left is the victim of circumstances, and the one who left is the initiator of the break. Initiators, leaders, authors are more ready for responsibility for their feelings (responsibility for their feelings before themselves).
Do not think that they have no pain in this regard. There is pain. But the pain from the severity and“vampirism” of the body of the relationship they have more than from their completion. That is why they are the initiators and choose the lesser of two evils – to terminate the relationship.
He who was left, naturally, does not want to see this. His own pain overshadows his eyes on someone else’s pain.
What to do?
Stop “watering the bush.” To cease to feed the thoughts of the body of relationships , and it, with time, without nourishment, as drawn, and melts in the energy space. How to do this, if the advice “not to think about the white monkey” and “get rid of everything” does not work? – you ask. Think of a pink elephant or a spotted cat! – I will answer you
That is, the secret is to realize in time “oh, I start thinking about it again …”, and divert my attention to something else exciting. Change the topic.
To help yourself, you can write a list of how I can help myself quickly stop “watering the bush”:
– make a call to a friend …
– go to the social network …
– read the article …
That is, it is suitable to engage in any business that requires maximum attention from me (washing the dishes will not work).
Fight fire with fire
“New relationships kill old ones”, this wisdom is as old as the world.
Of course, you are unlikely to get into a serious and deep relationship from a serious relationship, but the point here is not in relationships, but in impressions.
You need new impressions, the power of which is able to crowd out the brightness of previous memories. New relationships, new contacts and just new communication – choose what suits you.Nobody calls you to fornication, but nobody prohibits either. Remember this.
Well understood and remembered, however bright is never deep. But now for you the brightness of emotions is healing, it pulls you out of the depths out, pulls you out of the pain to the surface. Where you can embrace yourself, reassemble yourself from broken pieces into a single piece and understand who you are and where you want to go next.
What to do?
Chat with new and well forgotten old friends. Perhaps go to a new relationship from the position of “no one owes nothing to anyone.” Understanding in advance that, first of all, it is for the mood – about “here and now.” Such a healing move and “nothing serious” – with this formula you can protect yourself from your own expectations and disappointments.
Such an approach is an interaction devoid of selfish consumerism in order to diagnose oneself and the world. This is intelligence about “how do people communicate now and how do they see me?” After all, during your immersion in previous relationships, you perceived yourself for a very long time through the eyes of a previous partner. And this, you see, one-sided. It’s time to re-assemble yourself, update your information about yourself through reflection of yourself in other new people.
New people are, first of all, a fresh perception of themselves. In the second, this is a new energy, which is also important. After all, your relationship body is already “not warm” .
Explore your gifts and your insult
Do not rush to close this paragraph with the phrase “oh, I realized he gave me lessons in pain and trials.
Partner – Fu, wonderful – I am! ”
This view is not enough. This is a negative angle, where you put yourself in a good light, and a partner in a bad one. Play generosity. No, it does not work, because it is self-deception. And self-deception is always expensive. You pay by the fact that you can’t get out of the relationship in your head, life time goes on, you lose it. This is a very expensive price.
Here you need to explore the depth of your resentment. Find and see what this insult relies on. That is, to find your “shortage”.
For example: I wrote love letters to her, but she didn’t give me – there was little emotion on her part. I gave him “myself all over”, and he took willingly and “gave nothing”.
In general, there any “I have done so much” is not balanced by reciprocity.
“I’m talking to him, and he’s not like that” – this is waiting , it is the ground for your disappointments.
Having found this point of concrete expectation, on which your insult has grown, to reconsider it and see that the real person has little to do with your expectations. You came up with it – waiting.
And even if he played up to you, and did not immediately deny your claims, he still does not match your expectations. He could not see in your head (for a non-translucent skull) in details and details, your project “the bright image of my partner”, and therefore did not reach, did not justify. After all, he has his own plan for his life.
– They did not expect? Oh really? That insolent, did not appreciate his happiness to be with you. Yes, and could not appreciate. Well, it also happens. Some are “smart in hindsight.”
This means that there is nothing to be offended of him, but you need to be offended at yourself. You need to take offense at yourself, who / who invented this “bright image” and “your heavenly future”.
And if you can take offense at yourself (this, always, please), then you can also forgive yourself, stupid, too.
So it turns out that you don’t need to forgive anyone except yourself. Forgive yourself silly, for naive expectations, claims, it is possible and not so difficult. To do this, you need to “take off the crown” of the all-knowing, visionary and all-powerful ego and show empathy to yourself to the essential, real.Sympathize with yourself, as a small, beloved child. Yes, I can not always know everything, well, okay, and so it happens too. And this is me too.
Forgive another difficult. Because it is impossible to forgive another
Forgiving another is a glitch. It is possible to forgive only yourself. It is important to find out why: for stupidity, for wastefulness, for openness, for generosity, for weakness, for helplessness, etc.
And accept that it is me too. Yes, I am so. This is honest, and therefore, from this point you can move on. Draw conclusions, start new, live.
When you cease to forgive someone outside, you again turned to face the future. Otherwise, “there was no life.” Since, trying to forgive another, you were turned back to life. And life answered you in return. And it was fair, beautiful and symmetrical.
This point may contradict the first at first glance, but it is not. We simply, having made a circle, enter the next turn of the spiral, a new level of understanding and love of life.
Here, it becomes relevant that we never stop loving our loved ones, sometimes our relationships just cease to be useful to one of the two. Therefore, we are parting.
Here, in the “dry residue” remains light heat. “Yes, this person was in my life and he will always remain the page of my biography – thanks to him and good fellow travelers.”
Here, in fact, we grew up. Having accepted everything that was and is already ready to change “hate for love” again. Now we love ourselves in relationships, our high impulses and low impulses, our purity of thoughts and our selfish interest. Not whitewashing, but not denigrating. Here we are ready to see the whole spectrum. Yes, this experience made me, developed.
B Thanks to him, I’d hear myself. Since, constructively to forgive, as it turned out, it was itself, that self that is able to give love to another, one of the hallmarks of adult qualities is the ability to give.
Now there is no pain in the memories, no “pins” during his calls and approaching in space – he let go. Let go as far as we have qualitatively passed the three previous points. Some (not many) intuitively go this way themselves, the way of realizing the meaning of relationships. And they come to understand, not so much why, how much, why all this was and how it made me wider and richer, for a lifetime.
A long looping on “why?”, “Why was it all so?” Is not useful. “Why” – us turns face to the past. And “why” it was – we are facing the future. Where do you want to live? That’s it!
What to do? Thank
What to thank? Give thanks, if only for the fact that the person has spent on you some time in his life.
Spending your time living on another is a priceless gift. It can not be compared with any particular clarification about what you / he specifically wanted from the relationship. It is useful to realize this once.
Appreciate the other, so be appreciated.