Love is an exercise in risk. And falling in love is a high risk exercise, because it is romanticized in pernicious ways.
Dear Insane Minds,
A few weeks ago I gave a love conference at the University of Barcelona. In the question time, a girl from the audience asked me about fear. He reflected, in particular, on the idea that the place opposite to love is fear and not hatred .
The approach, without a doubt, is interesting: putting the fear (fears) in the equations and observing how the panorama varies is always a good exercise.
Fear swarms over love in many planes . It can be an impediment to love (or to pairing, which are different things) and can be an incentive for love (or for pairing).
We also run behind weird loves out of terror to be alone and alone, to feel abandoned, to have no one to pick us up if we fall on the street or not have a shoulder to lean on. We also generate loving dependencies that are very perverse due to fear or we maintain harmful relationships for the same reason.
Of course we can argue that all this is not love, but it may be useful, in that case, to define what we mean when we talk about love .
Why do I give it so many laps? Because I am very concerned about the discourse of “yes, you can” , of possibilism, if you want to, of striving more .
I’m worried about the freedom, the flow, the letting go … do not be afraid.
I always go back to the philosopher Levinás, and I paraphrase it to the gross, like this: freedom is to generate the conditions for freedom .
Fear is a way to protect ourselves . For example, we are afraid of bugs that we know are poisonous, we are afraid of heights because we can break our chrism or we are afraid of fire because it burns us.
Without that fear we would all be dead, Minds. For centuries and centuries.
When we think about love, we can believe it to be an abstract entity or we can make it concrete and, specifically, love is an exercise in risk . Not so much love as falling in love, which is the form of love that we referred to in the lecture that opens this column and that may be the way we most of us now have in mind, as we read.
Falling in love is an exercise in risk, because it is romanticized in pernicious ways , because we have been taught to take care of it above attending to ourselves.
The whole environment legitimizes almost everything in the name of falling in love and the patio, in general, is fatal.
Thus, fear tells us when we are getting into areas where we feel vulnerable or in areas where something does not just work very clearly. Fear is a warning that something is wrong , and it is important to attend to it.
Sometimes what goes wrong is inside you, sometimes it is in and the others and sometimes it is in the world.
Thus, a world where fear was not necessary would be a wonder. A loving world where fear was not necessary would be the most .
But for this we must not eliminate fear, but the conditions of fear.
And that has to do with gender, with individualism, with violence and with a lot of things that are very big and very complicated.
Because not everything depends on us, insane loved ones. Not everything is possible if you want it, not everything is in our hands.