Between the ideal couple built socially and the fantasies that haunt our imaginary there is a space where we can experiment with our desires, our life projects and our S******y.
In a radio talk-show in which I was participating, which was about S**-affective relationships, I received a call from a person who wanted to know if I thought that dreaming of someone who was not his partner was infidelity. I answered with all the love I could and I went on to something else.
The question may be extreme but it is not banal and refers to the difficulty we have in assuming our own desires with the naturalness of a desire, without further ado. Our inner universe can quietly explore other paths without fearing that we engage in actions that we deem as preposterous.
A desire, dream or thought is not an action. They belong to different worlds. Morality applies to actions.
Honestly, who has not thought of hitting a shaker to that neighbor on the stairs that always has the television at full volume at the early hours of the morning and does not let you sleep? But, in the end, most of us choose to complain for a while with the pillow and be patient about it.
Real and imaginary couples
Under the name “couple” can be included infinite forms of relationship: life partners, S***** partners, marriages, friendships with or without S**… If we find it difficult to recognize all under the same heading is because there is a fiction of what is and should be being a couple that we have also learned from fiction and that limits not only its scope but what happens within that nucleus.
The couple is commonly portrayed as two heteros*****l people who have physical and loving intimacy and both intimacies are lived within a very basic and limited parameters.
Have you noticed the bed scenes where actors and actresses reduce S******y to intercourse but also practice it with underwear on ? Can we imagine a character cooking without food? Or someone walking a dog, without a dog?
But with S**, anything goes and nothing works. Everything goes through an understanding or falls directly into pornography with hardly any intermediate stages. That couple of fantasy, which is not limited to S*******y but includes it, necessarily coexists and has agreements.
In fact, almost necessarily seeks to reproduce , also has a S****** exclusivity pact , sharesfinances, vehicles and even pets and is related to other couples similar to them. And, of course, it is unfaithful on an occasional basis and, often, it can be dramatic.
With such a limited referential frame, fantasies, even dreams, go out of normality and set off alarms. If we expand the imaginary, not in its concrete form but in its emotional dimension, we can define the couple as a space of security, trust and loyalty (not necessarily of fidelity) between two or more people.
Skip the frame!
Thus, we open an intermediate space that suggests new forms of fit between ethics and desires . In a security framework, agreements between adults escape the fantasy couple. S______ is the most greedy part and allows us to explore our most bizarre forms without shortening the morality.
Just as playing cops and thieves does not make you the one or the other, S__ games are nothing more than that, plain and simple games, as long as the consensus and limits have been clearly agreed by the members.
In the same way, to coexist or not, the sharing of time together or the relational codes should be able to agree in an intermediate place between the opinion of the neighbors and the own desires of each one. Whatever the movies say, our life is much more exciting, much more complex and much longer than any Internet series, no matter how many seasons you have.
From film: fantasy couples at the cinema
Film directed by Tom Tykwer that points precisely to the imaginary of what a couple should be in spite of the fact that the protagonists’ life is determined to go in other directions. Will life pass through the tube of forms or will the forms have to be adapted to the circumstances of life?
A wild god
Marvelous film directed by Roman Polanski from a text by Yasmina Reza . Two couples take a coffee to talk civilized about a minor altercation between their children. All the aggressive passivity unleashed in a fast-paced and hilarious film about who we are and what we seem to be.
In its Italian version, directed by Paolo Genovese , presents a dinner among friends where a game is proposed: leave the phones on the table and each one read aloud the first message he receives. Who will be able to pass the cotton test between your fantasy partner and your reality?