I just keep asking myself, “Do I have the right to be sad now that we are no longer together?”
We were never exclusive. Barely anybody knew about us. People usually thought that we are just good friends that hang out together, go out, have the same friends. They would sometimes say something like, “You guys should be together—you fit just perfectly!”
We used to fight so many times like an old married couple and see eye to eye just as much. We used to have so many common topics, ideas, and dreams.
That’s what I miss the most. Us, dreaming and planning the future. We never said it was our future together. But we were both there. You never said I am your girlfriend. You never pictured me as your wife in those little fantasies of ours.
But, I was the one that was standing there right beside you every step of the way. What happened to that picture—why am I standing here all alone???
Whenever we met somebody you knew, you would introduce me as a friend. That would bother me for a split second. Then, the minute we were out of their sight, you would pull me close and kiss all the things that bothered me away.
You used to say, “We know what we are., We don’t need to share everything with other people., I like this secret love of ours.”
I agreed. I never thought that you need someone’s approval when you are in a relationship. All those couples displaying their love on Facebook and Instagram for everyone to see always seemed fake to me. It’s just not who I am. I like keeping things to myself. I liked keeping you for myself. You were my sweetest secret.
Sometimes, I think our love story was just in our minds. But, it wasn’t—It was real.
Feelings were there. Real ones. Maybe we loved each other more than most people who are in a textbook relationship. At least I am sure I loved you.
Now that I am overthinking everything, I come to think that maybe you were hiding me because you were so insecure about us—cause you are the one that left me—and I am still holding on to something. Still asking myself, “Do I have the right to cry about us even though you were never officially my boyfriend?”
The truth is it doesn’t matter.
I will cry anyway. I can’t stop the tears from falling. You were mine. Someone and something of mine that cannot easily be replaced. I just don’t know what I should do with this love that you left behind?
I will let it out of me through tears. I will have to let it hurt. Then let it heal.
I am going to go through the same process that I went through after a previous three-year relationship—even though our thing lasted shorter. We shared so many common things. Not just physical stuff, even though I miss that, too. God, I miss that. But it felt like a real textbook relationship in every aspect and every segment. You leaving hurts even more.
I am lucky to have a few friends that knew about you. It is easier when I share my sorrows. They share theirs with me, too. Even though they often ask me, “How can you miss somebody that was never yours?”
They don’t get it, I had you – you had me. You were mine – body, heart, and soul. Like no one before. My heart is broken and it doesn’t care whether we were labeled as a couple or not. It doesn’t care. It just grieves. And I have the right to grieve, too.