Each day, I think, it can’t get worse than this. I’ve gotten as low as I could. But then the ground opens up again and swallows me further. You put me there. You dug my grave, you buried me alive. You keep throwing your bullshit at me. More lies, more truths. I’ve been screaming for a long time. I found anger that I never knew I had. An anger that I learned from you.
I felt like nothing could make it better. There was no explanation, nothing to help me understand how and why you did all of this. You chose this. You chose to hurt me every day, with your words, with your actions. Each day that you didn’t tell me of your betrayal. Two years of my life based on an illusion. I felt robbed. Like someone had stolen my time and energy, stolen my love. I gave you everything I had when it wasn’t even yours to get. You were never mine, not for a moment.
But in the midst of my pain, I forgot that no one will suffer as much as you will now. Now that you have finally accepted what you’ve been, and how you’ve treated everyone who was close. You will have to live with yourself, with the emptiness and regret. And that saddens me, it scares me, it makes me feel sorry for you. You caused the damage and now you’re trying to pick up the pieces.
I never wanted you to suffer alone. I always wanted to nurture the good in you. I wanted to bring out the man that you always wanted to be. And now I have done, even though I wasn’t there to do it. Pushing me away left you alone and forced you to confront yourself. It finally made you want to change. My prayers have been answered in a way that has left me completely broken. But if it changes your life, if it reverses your years of suffering, then it was worth it. I’m glad for the good that has come from it. There is comfort in seeing myself as a martyr and that my pain isn’t for nothing.
The last step I can take to help you is to tell you… I forgive you. I forgive you because I finally understand that hurt people hurt people. You hurt me because you were afraid. Because happiness has always come crashing down on you. So you stay one step ahead: you destroy it yourself. You revel in that control because at least you made a choice. I was the thing you destroyed, when all I wanted was to build that happiness in your life. But that’s because you’re hurt, it is not my fault. And although that doesn’t make anything better, it allows me to move forward.
I know it’s difficult. We thought we were soulmates, that we would be together for eternity. But we must accept that the time we had was all we were destined to have. Not a moment less or more. I guess we will always be connected in our trauma. You brought out a pain in me that I hope never surfaces again when I’ve healed.
Take this and continue to learn from it. Don’t let me suffer in vain. I will have to reshape myself, a me without you. I made my life revolve around helping you, supporting you, loving you. Now, my job is done. And I must find who I am without that.
You’ve been in a state of constriction for years, reducing you to nothing.
There can only be expansion from here. Embrace it.