I know you are tired of being strong and feeling too much. I am writing this to let you know that you are not alone. I am still there.
I lie wide awake in bed every night trying to shut down my thoughts and sleep like a normal person. But it seems impossible. I can’t stop wondering, “Why does the same scenario keep repeating in my life so many times?”
I am so tired. Tired of emotions of any kind. Tired of love slipping through my fingers. Tired of love being something unattainable. So, I run from feelings of any kind and get to the state where I feel nothing. There is no happiness, no sadness and no bitterness, just one big empty nothing – complete numbness.
I have been on this roller coaster before. The moment I think I found that special someone, I see him going away, far away from me the next moment. He just disappears without a trace.
I keep re-examining myself—my past: ‘Is it me? Am I the reason nobody stays? Am I the reason why all my relationships seem to lead nowhere?’ Actually, it’s not nowhere. They lead to this big hole full of pain and disappointment from which I have a hard time getting out.
Then I get mad at myself for thinking that way. I am better than this. This is not a mindset I was born with. I am just tired again because every time I get up, I fall back again right into that same damn hole.
That doesn’t mean I will quit. I will pick myself up and push myself to the surface as many times as it takes cause there’s no other option. I don’t want to have other options but up.
Then I start to see things from the other perspective. I feel strong again. Then, I do everything I can. My mood goes back up and I’m full of energy. I could do anything at moments like this.
Then, I lose those moments.
Again, I feel tired. Now I am tired of being tired. But, it’s so tiring to be strong. It’s easier to let the pain get the best of you. Again, I feel worthless and depressed.
But I push myself once more because I know no other way. I pick all of my shattered pieces from the bottom of that hole I fell into and bring them back to the surface.
Even though sometimes I feel like I have no more strength and I feel like giving up, I find that strength somewhere deep down inside of me and I let her take charge, and I manage.
I manage and I feel proud of myself for succeeding. I am stronger than all of this even though I doubt myself, even though I am tired of everything.
‘Cause I know, I will have ups and downs as many times as it takes, and I will handle them the best that I can. I will come out as a winner from all of this mess that is life.