“If your compassion does not include yourself it is incomplete.”– Jack Kornfield
I’ve always been that person who’s first to help. I was taught to be kind-hearted and it stayed with me.
It’s weird because I grew up thinking that saying something like that wasn’t humble and I don’t mean to boast, but I’ve come to realize that I truly am a good person because I strive to be one.
Unfortunately, I soon realized something else – not many people appreciate selflessness; to be more precise, not many people appreciate selflessness when they don’t need you anymore.
I’ve always tried to understand everyone and think before I judge. The same goes when I’m in a relationship.
That’s why I got stuck in a relationship with a man who used me.
He was a very charming man and I was in awe of his words and his ability to make me laugh all the time. I loved him like I had never loved anyone before.
However, over time I started to notice that I was being taken for granted. It took me some time to admit that to myself.
I didn’t want to believe that the man I loved didn’t care enough to notice I was exhausted.
He would forget about me and simply dismiss my problems as trivial.
He would always find a reason not to do something I asked him to do and get away with it.
I felt alone so many times and cried myself to sleep while trying not to be heard. I felt like I had no one to comfort me and understand me.
He simply didn’t notice my heart had gotten tired. I was tired of all the things I let slide when I should’ve said something.
I was tired of letting people get their way instead of fighting for what I deserved.
I was tired of overthinking every step to make sure I never hurt anyone. I was tired of putting everyone but myself first.
I was tired of trying to meet everyone’s expectations. I was that person who everyone saw as a saving grace – everyone but herself.
While others would seek comfort in me, I couldn’t find it anywhere. What’s even worse, I let it all happen.
I insisted on telling everyone I was fine when in reality I was mentally exhausted from all the things I couldn’t fight.
I hated disappointing others and I always had a hard time saying no. All the pressure had me spiraling down into anxiety and guilt.
I became overwhelmed and drained so easily. I got tired of caring for everyone, while there was no one to care for me.
At one point I felt like I was cursed with feeling everything so deeply and my heart couldn’t take it anymore.
My compassion sometimes felt like a burden. I wanted to be loved and cared for.
I wanted to feel safe in someone’s arms and hear that everything was going to be okay.
I wanted someone to be my shoulder to cry on instead of always being one myself.
I dreamed of finding someone who would take me as I am, accept all my flaws and understand how I felt.
That’s when I decided to let go of the blockages that made me think I was being selfish for asking for love and understanding.
Finally, I understood that I don’t have to spend my life asking for love and being deprived of it. I want the love in my life to be reciprocal.
I want it to be as love should be – unconditional and always present. I understood that I am worthy of everything I was giving to other people.
I learned I have to set my boundaries and make sure everyone respects them. Setting boundaries has changed my life.
I let go of guilt I had over something that’s not mine and which I can’t control. I let myself finally understand and accept myself first.
Learning to have compassion for myself made me realize that we can’t be complete without loving ourselves first.
Rather than let my compassion ruin me, I let it serve me.
I finally started to respect myself and everything that makes me who I am and suddenly things fell into place.