There are things I’d like to share with my ex, but I can’t.
It’s not that I’m not brave enough to tell him everything that’s on my mind. It’s just that I believe that him knowing about all this is unnecessary and can only cause me more pain.
Maybe there will be time for a perfect closure where I’ll be able to tell him everything, but for now, I’ll open my heart and soul to you.
This is what I’d like to confess to him when the time is right:
I wanted you to be as hurt as I was
I sometimes pretended that I wanted nothing but the best for you, but I secretly wished that you’d feel as heartbroken as I was.
It was unbearable for me to think that you felt fine while I felt like my world was going to end. Everything hurt so bad and I hoped that you felt the same way.
It’s not that I usually like to see you in any pain, it’s just that would have been proof for me that our love meant something to you.
On one level, I’ll always be available to you
I’ll never again be available to you in the sense I was before, but there’s a part of me that’ll always be weak to your voice, appearance, smell… your existence.
You’ll never be an irrelevant person for me, no matter how distant we’ve grown and how many years might pass.
I won’t be waiting for you, but I can’t guarantee to myself that I’d never get back together with you in certain circumstances.
I’m still not completely fine with us not being together
I’ve moved on with my life, but it felt awful that our relationship ended and I never completely recovered from that.
We shared so much and for a while there I truly believed you were the one.
Even after all this time apart, I’m still not perfectly okay with not being by your side and being able to call myself your girlfriend.
Still, I think that we weren’t meant to be
Even with that, I’m almost certain that I was never meant to be yours forever. There’s something inside my head that tells me you were never the one for me.
That voice sometimes spoke to me even when we were together and I silenced it, and now I use it as consolation when I feel bad about our break up.
I can’t put a finger on what it was, but something was always missing.
I don’t really miss you, I miss me when I was with you
I can’t really say that I miss having you in my life in a traditional way such as spending time together and doing all the things we did.
What I miss most is the person I was when you were there. I was excited, cheerful, happy… You made me feel so many wonderful emotions and I miss them all.
I find myself thinking of you and I hate it
I think of you randomly and it bugs me. Those thoughts appear out of nowhere and they always upset me.
I don’t wish to forget about you, you played an important role in my life. Still, I wish I would think of you less often and not feel your presence all the time.
I honestly hope you find happiness
Now, after everything that happened between us in the past, I can honestly say I don’t wish you any kind of misfortune or pain.
I’d be truly happy if I knew you’d found happiness in all aspects of your life.
I can’t say that finding out you’d found a perfect girl or got married wouldn’t sting for a bit, but I believe that’s perfectly normal.
I honestly hope all of the dreams you told me about come true and you never forget about a girl you once shared them with.